Setting Boundaries: A Sometimes Messy Path to Mental Wellness
If there’s one thing that is true about navigating relationships in life, it’s that there’s no rulebook or set of instructions to follow.
The practice of setting boundaries is a powerful and essential tool- yet not one that we’re explicitly taught about. These invisible lines in the sand, so crucial to our emotional well-being and mental health, provide guidelines for how we show up in our relationships, ideally in a values aligned way. Establishing boundaries involves fostering curiosity and exploring your values and priorities, engaging in open and transparent communication, and continually assessing these boundaries as life evolves and circumstances change.
Establishing boundaries is crucial to the human experience, yet many of us, myself included, didn't receive guidance on how to set them. Maybe you grew up in an environment where you were expected to say yes all the time, or maybe you were often put in the position of caretaking for others when you needed to be taken care of. When we aren’t taught how to set boundaries that are aligned with our values and capabilities, we may find ourselves more frustrated, disappointed, and showing up inauthentically in our interactions and relationships. If you’re feeling increased frustration and tension in your relationships, that may be a sign that an internal boundary of yours is being crossed.
Embarking on the path to setting and sustaining healthy boundaries involves honing in on practical skills that not only safeguard your well-being but also foster more meaningful connections with others. Keep in mind that boundaries serve as personal messengers. While people are in control of their actions, our boundaries mirror how we wish to respond and present ourselves in interactions. Boundaries should not hinge on someone else's behavior; instead, they should be grounded in your personal values and how you want to show up in your relationships. Your boundaries are for you.
Let’s explore a few tips designed to guide you through the intricacies of boundary-setting.
Align with Your Values
A fundamental aspect of delving into the realm of boundaries is aligning them with your core values. These values serve as the foundation of your decision-making, influencing your choices, actions, and life priorities. Think of values as a moral compass—a guiding force that not only shapes your decisions but also reflects what holds profound meaning for you. During our formative years, values are often shaped by the influences of caregivers and our immediate environment. What matters to them becomes ingrained as important to us.
However, as we navigate the complexities of life, it becomes essential to intentionally explore and discern what truly matters to us in the long run. When faced with challenges, our values act as a reliable touchstone, providing clarity on the path forward. Understanding your values empowers you to choose your battles wisely and identify areas where flexibility is acceptable. Without this self-awareness, distinguishing your voice from external influences or desires may prove challenging.
To embark on this journey of self-discovery, consider exploring resources that facilitate a deeper understanding of your values. Websites like Think2Perform and The Good Project offer valuable tools and insights to help you uncover and articulate your core values. Taking the time to consciously align your boundaries with these values not only enhances their effectiveness but also contributes to a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Tolerate Discomfort
Boundary setting is a process of commitment to personal wellness involving breaking old patterns of interacting with others. When you decide to break old habits or try something new, it is fair to expect that it's going to be a bit different. Embracing the fact that mixed emotions are part of the package sets us up for success, helping us tolerate the fear and uncertainty that tag along with changing patterns.
While you're figuring out your boundaries, the folks you're setting them with might also be wrestling with their own mix of feelings. It can get a bit awkward, especially if they're not used to respecting your boundaries or aren't supportive about the dynamic changing. Brace yourself for possible reactions like, "You've changed," or, "You're not the same person I thought you were" Well, of course- you've changed! After all, if there’s one thing we can count on- it’s change.
And it's totally okay to reassess your relationships and how you show up in your interactions to match your ever-evolving values. Sometimes, growing means shedding old leaves. Voicing what you want and need in a relationship might feel awkward or vulnerable, especially if you're used to being a people-pleaser or putting others first. But, guess what? Having and holding boundaries is like relationship boot camp—it strengthens your connections and lets you be your authentic self. Although it can be uncomfortable in the moment, setting, communicating, and maintaining our boundaries can ultimately lead to more connected, authentic, and fulfilling relationships.
Practice Communication Skills
In the world of boundary-setting, effective communication becomes a cornerstone. An essential part of this process is articulating and communicating your boundaries. While we can send nonverbal messages and think we’re being obvious, nobody can read our minds and actually know what we’re feeling unless we tell them. Utilizing the tool of "I" statements can be a game-changer in communication in conflict. It's not just about setting the boundaries; it's about expressing them in a way that fosters understanding and connection.
This is where the transformative power of "I" statements comes into play. Through understanding and connecting with your emotions, you can take ownership in getting your needs met. It's more than just saying, "I felt mad when you said you didn't want to hang out." It requires being curious with yourself and taking a moment to discern the core emotion and need coming up. The magic lies in articulating not just the facts surrounding the situation but understanding and taking ownership over the emotion coming up.
Consider this, your friend canceled plans to meet up and get coffee last minute.. again. You might say: "I felt disappointed when our plans fell through because spending time together is important to me." Here, you communicate the emotion (disappointment), identify the trigger (plans falling through), and align it with a value (importance of quality time).
In navigating conflicts or expressing your needs, using "I" statements creates a bridge of understanding. It invites others into your emotional landscape, fostering a dialogue that goes beyond assumptions. As we venture into this exploration of boundary communication, let's uncover the nuanced art of expressing oneself with authenticity and vulnerability.
Mental Health Gets Messy
As we reach the end of some boundary-setting exploration, let's celebrate the beauty in the messiness and imperfection. Setting boundaries isn't a one-size-fits-all fix; it's an ongoing journey through discomfort, change, and authentic expression. As you continue to navigate this path of acknowledging and asserting your needs, remember that discomfort is a part of the process and can even be a sign of growth. Using "I" statements can be a tool for authentic communication to help foster deeper understanding in relationships. Aligning boundaries with our values emerged as a guiding star, reminding us that reassessment and change are not just okay but necessary.
Yes, it can get a bit awkward. People might resist, and old patterns might reemerge. But in navigating this messiness, we discover stronger relationships and a more genuine way of connecting with ourselves and others.
So, cheers to the journey—the discomfort, the growth, and the authentic connections that bloom from setting boundaries. May your journey be a vibrant exploration of self-discovery and empowerment.
